THE FIRST STEP.
When he returned from church Nekhludoff broke the fast with his aunts and took a glass of spirits and some wine, having got into that habit while with his regiment, and when he reached his room fell asleep at once, dressed as he was. He was awakened by a knock at the door. He knew it was her knock, and got up, rubbing his eyes and stretching himself.
"Katusha, is it you? Come in," said he.
She opened the door.
"Dinner is ready," she said. She still had on the same white dress, but not the bow in her hair. She looked at him with a smile, as if she had communicated some very good news to him.
"I am coming," he answered, as he rose, taking his comb to arrange his hair.
She stood still for a minute, and he, noticing it, threw down his comb and made a step towards her, but at that very moment she turned suddenly and went with quick light steps along the strip of carpet in the middle of the passage.
"Dear me, what a fool I am," thought Nekhludoff. "Why did I not stop her?" What he wanted her for he did not know himself, but he felt that when she came into his room something should have been done, something that is generally done on such occasions, and that he had left it undone.
"Katusha, wait," he said.
"What do you want?" she said, stopping.
"Nothing, only--" and, with an effort, remembering how men in his position generally behave, he put his arm round her waist.
She stood still and looked into his eyes.
"Don't, Dmitri Ivanovitch, you must not," she said, blushing to tears and pushing away his arm with her strong hard hand. Nekhludoff let her go, and for a moment he felt not only confused and ashamed but disgusted with himself. He should now have believed himself, and then he would have known that this confusion and shame were caused by the best feelings of his soul demanding to be set free; but he thought it was only his stupidity and that he ought to behave as every one else did. He caught her up and kissed her on the neck.
This kiss was very different from that first thoughtless kiss behind the lilac bush, and very different to the kiss this morning in the churchyard. This was a dreadful kiss, and she felt it.
"Oh, what are you doing?" she cried, in a tone as if he had irreparably broken something of priceless value, and ran quickly away.
He came into the dining-room. His aunts, elegantly dressed, their family doctor, and a neighbour were already there. Everything seemed so very ordinary, but in Nekhludoff a storm was raging. He understood nothing of what was being said and gave wrong answers, thinking only of Katusha. The sound of her steps in the passage brought back the thrill of that last kiss and he could think of nothing else. When she came into the room he, without looking round, felt her presence with his whole being and had to force himself not to look at her.
After dinner he at once went into his bedroom and for a long time walked up and down in great excitement, listening to every sound in the house and expecting to hear her steps. The animal man inside him had now not only lifted its head, but had succeeded in trampling under foot the spiritual man of the days of his first visit, and even of that every morning. That dreadful animal man alone now ruled over him.
Though he was watching for her all day he could not manage to meet her alone. She was probably trying to evade him. In the evening, however, she was obliged to go into the room next to his. The doctor had been asked to stay the night, and she had to make his bed. When he heard her go in Nekhludoff followed her, treading softly and holding his breath as if he were going to commit a crime.
She was putting a clean pillow-case on the pillow, holding it by two of its corners with her arms inside the pillow-case. She turned round and smiled, not a happy, joyful smile as before, but in a frightened, piteous way. The smile seemed to tell him that what he was doing was wrong. He stopped for a moment. There was still the possibility of a struggle. The voice of his real love for her, though feebly, was still speaking of her, her feelings, her life. Another voice was saying, "Take care I don't let the opportunity for your own happiness, your own enjoyment, slip by!" And this second voice completely stifled the first. He went up to her with determination and a terrible, ungovernable animal passion took possession of him.
With his arm round he made her sit down on the bed; and feeling that there was something more to be done he sat down beside her.
"Dmitri Ivanovitch, dear! please let me go," she said, with a piteous voice. "Matrona Pavlovna is coming," she cried, tearing herself away. Some one was really coming to the door.
"Well, then, I'll come to you in the night," he whispered. "You'll be alone?"
"What are you thinking of? On no account. No, no!" she said, but only with her lips; the tremulous confusion of her whole being said something very different.
It was Matrona Pavlovna who had come to the door. She came in with a. blanket over her arm, looked reproachfully at Nekhludoff, and began scolding Katusha for having taken the wrong blanket.
Nekhludoff went out in silence, but he did not even feel ashamed. He could see by Matrona Pavlovna's face that she was blaming him, he knew that she was blaming him with reason and felt that he was doing wrong, but this novel, low animal excitement, having freed itself of all the old feelings of real love for Katusha, ruled supreme, leaving room for nothing else. He went about as if demented all the evening, now into his aunts', then back into his own room, then out into the porch, thinking all the time how he could meet her alone; but she avoided him, and Matrona Pavlovna watched her closely.
聂赫留朵夫从教堂回来后,就跟姑一妈一们一起开斋.为了提提神,他按照军队里的一习一惯,喝了伏特加和葡萄酒,然后回到自己房里,和衣倒在一床一上睡着了.一阵敲门声把他吵醒.他从敲门声上听出,这是她,就一揉一揉一眼睛,伸着懒腰坐起来.
"卡秋莎,是你吗?进来,"他下了一床一说.
她把房门稍微推开一点.
"请您去吃饭,"她说.
她仍旧穿着那件雪白的连衣裙,但头发上的蝴蝶结不见了.她瞅了一下他的眼睛,满脸春风,仿佛她告诉了他一件特殊的大喜讯.
"我这就来,"他一边回答,一边拿起梳子来梳头发.
她站在那里没有走.他一发觉,就丢下梳子,向她走去.但就在这当儿,她敏捷地转过身,象往常那样,轻快地沿着过道的花地毯走去.
"我真傻,"聂赫留朵夫自言自语,"我为什么不把她留住?"
他拔脚跑去,在过道里追上她.
他要拿她怎么样,连他自己也说不上来.不过他觉得,刚才她走进房间,他应该象一般人在这种场合那样,对她做些什么,可是他没有做.
"卡秋莎,你等一下,"他说.
她回头一看.
"您要什么?"她停住脚步说,
"没什么,不过......"
他提起一精一神,想到一般男人处在这种场合会怎么办,就搂住卡秋莎的腰.
她站住了,对他的眼睛瞧瞧.
"别这样,德米特里·伊凡内奇,别这样,"她脸红得简直要哭出来,说,同时用她那粗糙有力的手推开那只搂住她的胳膊.
聂赫留朵夫放开她,有那么一会儿,他不仅感到十分羞愧,而且觉得自己可恶.他应该相信自己的这种感情,可是他不知道这种羞耻心正是他灵魂里表现出来的最高尚的感情,反而认为他自己愚蠢,他应该象一般人那样行动才对.
他又一次追上她,搂住她,吻她的脖子.这一次的吻同前两次--那次在丁香花坛后面情不自禁的一吻和今天早晨在教堂里的接一吻完全不同.这一次的吻是可怕的,这一点她也感觉到了.
"您这是干什么呀?"她惊叫起来,仿佛他打碎了一个无价之宝,再也无法补救似的.她拔脚从他身边跑掉了.
他走到餐厅.两位盛装的姑一妈一,一个医生和一位女邻居都站在放冷盘的桌旁等着.一切都同平时一样,可是聂赫留朵夫心里却起了风暴.人家对他说什么,他根本没有听进去,回答得牛头不对马嘴,一心只想着卡秋莎,回味着刚才在过道里追上她时的一吻.他没有心思想别的事.她每次进来,他眼睛没有看她,却总是真切地感觉到她就在旁边,他必须竭力克制自己不去看她.
午饭以后,他立刻回到自己屋里,情绪激动地走来走去,留神房子里的声音,希望能听到她的脚步声.他身上那个兽一性一的人,如今不仅抬起头来,而且把他初来时和今天早晨在教堂里还存在的一精一神的人踩在脚下.如今这个可怕的兽一性一的人独霸了他的心灵.尽管他一直在守候她,今天他却毫无机会同她单独见面.多半是她在躲避他吧.但到了傍晚,她凑巧有事到他隔壁房间里去.原来是医生要留下来过夜,卡秋莎只得替他铺一床一.聂赫留朵夫一听见她的脚步声,就屏住呼吸,蹑手蹑脚跟着她进去,仿佛去干什么犯法的事似的.
她两只手伸进干净的枕头套里,抓住枕头角,回头看了他一眼,微微一笑,但已不是原先那种轻松愉快的欢笑,而是一种恐惧的可怜巴巴的苦笑.这笑容仿佛向他表示,他这样做是要不得的.他刹那间楞住了.现在还能进行斗争.他对她真正一爱一的声音,虽然微弱,但毕竟还在响着,他不能不考虑到她,考虑到她的感情,她的生活.但在他的内心里还有另一个声音:别错过自己的享乐,别错过自己的幸福.后面那个声音压倒了前面的声音.他断然走到她跟前.那种按捺不住的可怕兽一性一控制了他.
聂赫留朵夫搂住她不放,按她坐在一床一上.他觉得还有些什么事要做,就在她旁边坐下.
"德米特里·伊凡内奇,好少爷,请您放手,"她哀求说.
"玛特廖娜来了!"她一边叫,一边挣脱身一子.门外真的传来了脚步声.
"那我晚上去找你,"聂赫留朵夫说."屋里不是只有你一个人吗?"
"您在说什么?千万别这样!别这样!"她嘴里这么说,而她整个兴奋慌乱的神态表现出来的却是另一回事.
来的果然是玛特廖娜.她走进房里,手臂上搭着一条被子,不以为然地对聂赫留朵夫瞅了一眼,责备卡秋莎拿错了被子.
聂赫留朵夫默默地走了出去.他甚至没有感到羞耻.他从玛特廖娜的脸色上看出,她在责怪他,而且责怪得有理,因为他自己也知道干的事不对,但原先被他对她的纯洁一爱一情压制着的兽一性一如今控制了他,霸占了他,把其他一切感情都扼杀了.现在他知道,要满足这种兽一性一该怎么办,就竭力想办法.
整个黄昏他都感到心神不宁,一会儿走到姑一妈一们屋里,一会儿回到自己的房间,一会儿又走到台阶上,心里只盘算着一件事,怎样同她单独见面.不过,她在躲避他,而玛特廖娜却寸步不离地看住她.
